I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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