The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
