somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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