I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
