You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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