I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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