I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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