i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
