I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize