I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I need to sanitize my soul.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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