I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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