Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
