I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize