Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
