Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
