Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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