Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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