i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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