So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize