you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
