I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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