i just sent this text using only my big toe
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
