My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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