I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize
