i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
