oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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