So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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