Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
