I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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