My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
