i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
time to smoke my breakfast
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
