Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
