hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
