ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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