5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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