did you get engaged???
It's Friday. Sex?
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
