He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize