i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Randomize
