There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
