she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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