There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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