I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I lost the right to judge tonight
Randomize
