"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
