Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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