I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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