I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
