Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
you had me at cake vodka
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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