I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
