God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
