i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
