I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
