the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
FUCK WHALES
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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