We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
