I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
