Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
