i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
