I can tuck mytits in my pants
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
