Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
