1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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