oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
