She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
