I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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