the condom got lost in my hair
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
