he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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