ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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