Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
