The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
