he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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