She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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