she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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